Fear of What? Words from Gloria

I currently reside as an in-patient on the fourth and very  top floor of a 50-bed “klinik” with a spectacular view overlooking the picturesque medieval town of Bad Mergentheim, Germany.  Several times a day, while stepping into the elevator with fellow patients or staff, I hear or say the German word for “4″ which sounds a lot like our word, “fear”.

I’ve been thinking a lot about different kinds of fear lately, both the warranted but mostly the unwarranted kind, much of which is a category we call “the fear of the unknown”.  Since being on the other end of the thermometer and IV infusion - as a nurse turned cancer patient - I’ve experienced more of this fear-of-the-unknown than I’d ever wanted to know about, these past couple of years!

I remember reading a book, Go Out in Joy , when I was working in a Los Angeles children’s hospital as a nurse on a cancer ward. It gave me amazing perspective on the differences between how adults and children face the uncertainties in life.  These kids were amazing!  They simply accepted whatever reality was thrown their way, often lifting the spirits of the staff who were in anticipatory grief over when their other proverbial “shoe” might drop and it would be “curtains”, as they say, - time to go!

Tomorrow I face something new to me called IPT (Insulin Potentiation Therapy).  This is where, using an insulin IV push, they artificially force the blood sugar down into the 30’s or low 40’s, making the tumor cells “hungry” enough to open up to what’s coming next, a mixture of low-dose chemotherapy and glucose.  Besides having known a person who ended her life with an overdose of insulin, I probably know too much about what could potentially go wrong to view this therapy as a “piece of cake”. (It actually is a piece of cake here, as they do it routinely and have for decades now.)  I’m preparing mentally for the potential transitory nausea and profuse sweating this brings on, knowing my blood sugar levels will be checked very often to make certain they don’t get me too low.  I’m trusting Dr. Demuth (Internal Medicine / Naturopathic) and his great medical team to pull me through this less conventional approach to cancer treatment.

Then why can’t I sleep after laying here for over an hour?! My mind drifts back to another Physician with a less than conventional approach to the healing arts.  He is saying these words to my heart, “Why are you so afraid, Gloria?” and reminding me He also emphasized that we must, “become as little children…” or life can get pretty scarey.  So, I’ve just decided to simply trust Him, turn out the light and drift off into a blissful slumber.  Afterall, if I’d tried this childlike approach more often during my lifetime I just might not be in the predicament that I’m in right now!

Leave a Reply